Nation Agrees Something Should Probably Be Done
Bipartisan consensus reached on vague sense of urgency; details to follow, presumably, at some point, conditions permitting, pending further review by a committee that has not yet been formed — but whose formation is being actively discussed at a fundraiser
In what political analysts are calling "a historic moment of almost-agreement," the United States this week achieved rare bipartisan consensus that something — the precise nature of which remains under vigorous debate — should probably be done about something, likely soon, by someone with the appropriate authority, assuming such a person still exists.
"We are fully united," said one senator, gesturing broadly at the general situation. "Something is clearly happening, and we are not going to just sit here and not eventually discuss the possibility of forming a committee to look into it." The senator then boarded a private jet to attend a fundraiser themed "Solutions." The salmon was excellent.
Also Happening, Apparently
July 26, 2026Scientists Confirm That Thing Everyone Already Knew Was Bad Is, In Fact, Bad
Peer-reviewed study finds what your grandmother told you in 1987 was "essentially correct, give or take some nuance we added to justify the grant"
Read More →Economists Announce Economy "Doing Exactly What Economists Said It Wouldn't Do"
Models updated to reflect reality; new models immediately fail to reflect reality; economists describe cycle as "the process working as intended"
Read More →World Leaders Gather To Discuss World; World Continues Regardless
Summit produces 47-page communiqué described by all parties as "a strong foundation for future discussions about discussions"
Read More →A Brief Report
Tech Company Releases AI That Detects Misinformation; AI Immediately Generates Misinformation
Developers call it "a learning moment." The AI calls it "Tuesday." Both are correct.
Man Who Has Never Used A Computer Chairs Committee On Artificial Intelligence
Brings decades of experience not understanding things to the nation's most important technological oversight role.
New Study Recommends Doing The Thing You Already Know You Should Be Doing
Researchers spent $4.2 million confirming that sleep, water, and not staring at your phone at 2am are good for you.
Further Coverage
Committee Formed To Study Whether Previous Committee's Findings Warrant A New Committee
Subcommittee's first meeting scheduled for a date pending formation of a scheduling committee, which requires a quorum, which requires several members to return from recess
FDA Approves Drug That Treats Side Effects Of Previous Drug That Treated Side Effects Of Drug Before That
The new drug has seventeen side effects, three of which are the original condition, which is now considered "a known outcome within acceptable parameters"
"We are not a satire site. We are a mirror. The mirror is just screaming a little."
— The Potato Editorial Board, in a statement no one asked forHollywood Announces 14th Reboot Of Thing You Liked; Promises This One Will "Honor The Original"
Original creator, who was not consulted, describes announcement as "a choice that was made"
"Is This Real Or Is This The Potato?"
We receive this question approximately 400 times per day. The answer is: yes. — Ed.
Around The Nation & Beyond
School District Cuts Art, Music, And Critical Thinking; Adds Fourth Period Of Standardized Test Prep
Students report feeling "prepared for a world that no longer exists"
Corporation Pledges Carbon Neutral By Year That Sounds Responsible But Is Actually Very Far Away
2087 target "ambitious," says company that will not exist in 2087
Billionaire Explains How Anyone Could Do What He Did If They Simply Made Better Choices Starting At Birth
Audience nods. Several take notes. Notes are later lost.